Torturing poor innocent reviewersHERE
by Kat Small
Summary: Um...well, I think the title sums it all up, but it you need more you'll have to go and read it won't you? NEW! Dupdeedub's chapter is up! Enjoy!
1. And so it begins

Ooooh!  I love this idea! So I'm going to thank thekeeperofwords, cause that's the first one like it I've ever seen!  If you haven't seen it, it's called "In the name of the men". And you review saying your character's name and which character they want to be with.  (And in hers, which character you want to fight with).  

Mine's sort of like that…

Yeah, kinda…

You'll see if you review I guess.  ~Evil Laugh~

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Name (With fief if you have one):

Description:

History:

Which book period (Kel, Alanna, Daine):

Magic: y/n 

If yes, which type: 

Who you want to be with:

Who you don't want to be with, but who wants to be with you:

Any other characters you want in your story:

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Hmm…

Well, there's a clue in that form about what I'm going to do, but if your really brave, go review.

I might only do one, depending on when I lose interest…I have a very short attention span…


	2. A note from me

I'm not starting yet, because I'm confused now! (Trust me, it doesn't take much to topple the fragile balance between sanity and lunacy).  

**Drowning Rooster**- Centaurs?  Uh…I don't know anything about centaurs, so when I finish yours…well, be warned.  It'll be…um, odd to say the least.  Probably not how you imagine they'd act, though I did check Squire to read what's there.  Best I can do…~shrug~ 

By the way, you gave me really free rein, huh?  You sure ANY name is ok except Drowning Rooster?  ~Giggles~

**PurpleEyes1**- Isn't George a tad old for you if you like Neil?  ~Sigh~ Sure, whatever.  Now George is a pedophile.  It just couldn't get any better.  

Divine-Bovines- Sprout?  Sure, my wish is your command.  You people have the oddest ideas… 

**Elven-princess-ithilien- **No comment, but really, ANYONE?  Sure bout that?  LIKES: Jump, DOESN'T LIKE: Crown, OTHER CHARS: Baby Bop and Barney!!!  And a cross-dressing llama!

Sorry, I have to go, no time to say what I have to say about the other peoples,

**Promise to have the first chappie done (that would be Drowning Rooster's) by tomorrow because who needs to do H.W. anyway?  ~Waves~ Bye-bye little people! (Ignore me, 13 coke cans really does do something to you)  Mom's gonna be so pissed with me…Ack!  I forgot to recycle! ~chokes on 14th coke can~ Really have to go!  **

**SAVE THE COKE CANS! RECYCLE!**

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	3. Drowning Rooster

Heh, and the torture begins… 

Go get those knives everyone (and the needles, hot pokers, irons, spongebob squarepants reruns, ect.) Not really, it's not so bad, only odd…very odd…I hope you like it!__

The Floundering Foal (Or Fowl) 

_A tribute to Drowning Rooster_

Once upon a time, in a land far, far away there lived a little centaur.  The land was called Tortall.  The centaur was called numerous things.  One name for it was the Floundering Foal.  "Why was it called that?" you ask.  Well, you'll find out in just a moment…

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Btw, I forgot a disclaimer, so here it is! Disclaimer: This is TP's idea, sort of.  Well, it's her world and mostly her characters.  I'm just, uh, changing it a bit.  But I don't claim to own it, or think I own it, ect.

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Now this centaur was called Floundering Foal cause her dad was a freak who forced POOR INNOCENT LITTLE HORSES to sleep with him.  And her mom was that horse (duh).  And the dad didn't care, and the horse couldn't talk, so she was nameless.  And no one really cared.  

That is not until she turned 479!

"I don't have name," the centaur sighed for the fourth time that day.  Apart from yipping a lot this was what she said all of the time.  (Not that anyone cared, or listened).  As I was saying, she said that.  

"Yes you do!" A voice exclaimed.  The nameless centaur looked around curiously.  No one ever talked to her unless they had too.  But no one was there.  She sighed.  

"Maybe it was the wind," she murmured.  Now, most people can tell the difference between a voice and the wind, but the centaur wasn't really that smart.  So she was much more surprised then I would be when she heard the voice again.

"Of course I'm not wind, you silly twit.  Have you ever heard wind talk?" the voice snapped.  The centaur shook her head silently.  "Well, then why'd you think I was wind?"

"I couldn't see you."  

"You still can't see me."

"No, I can't."

"But I'm not wind."

"You could be," the centaur said, bristling at the imperious tone the voice had taken.

"You ever had an argument with the wind before?" the voice asked skeptically.  

"No.  But it could happen."

"I don't doubt it could," the voice agreed.  "But the wind has better things to do than to talk to idiots."

"And you don't?" the centaur asked curiously. 

"Yes, as a matter of fact, I do!" the voice retorted.  "So, let's hurry this along!"

"Fine with me, ugly butt!" 

"You can't even see me!"

"Yeah, so?"

"Oh, never mind."  The voice sighed.  "Anyway, yes, you do have name."  

"No, I haven't!"  

"Oh, drat you!  Yes, you have got a name!"

"I'm not listening!"  The centaur put her fingers in her ears and hummed a nonsense song about slaughtering two-leggers.  She was a centaur after all.  The voice scowled (um, yes it did, don't ask). 

"Stop being immature!"

"I'm not!"

"YournameisFinderskeepers," the voice yelled quickly, and fell silent.  A sheet of lightning rolled across the sky, and then all fell silent.

"My name is Find Skeepers?" the centaur asked, since that was all she'd heard.  This is why you should never yell thinks quickly.  It makes your words very hard to understand.  But the centaur didn't think she'd misheard.  And she was happy to have a name.  So, she named herself Find Skeepers.  

Now, there are a couple things you should understand about Find Skeepers.  

1) She's not very intelligent.  

2) She is unremarkable.  Not ugly really.  It's just that after you meet her you can never quite remember what she looks like.

3) Up to the point where she met the Voice she only ever said, "I have no name," and "Yip, yip."  

All right then, we can go on.  

So Find Skeepers ran off to her herd.  Her father had been culled by a bunch of knights.  Her mother was one of the slaves, but Skeep didn't know which.  So she mooched food off those who could spare it, or stole it from those who couldn't.  Because of her evil ways, no one really liked her very much when they deigned to notice her at all (which was rare because they were used to her being pretty quiet). 

So they were shocked when she came in yelling, "I've got a name, I've got a name!"  And they found it hysterically funny.  Except one.  His name was Saddlebum, and he was lazy, impractical, but kind when he felt exerting the extra effort. 

So, very kindly, he thought, he stood from watching pro-wrestling ~that would be two centaurs pretending to kill each other only unlike in our world, one of them actually dies~ and walked over to her, still munching on his never ending supply of snacks.  ~Yep, this guy has it all.  Alfalfa chips, straw bars, oatcakes…~

"So, what's your name?" he drawled.  A nauseatingly stinky odor came from his mouth into her face.  Understandably she choked, barely managing to cough out, "Fond Slippers."  He stared at her for a moment.  

"Oh…well, all right then."  He paused and shrugged.  "Her name's Found Slippers."  He was also sort of dumb.  

The other centaurs nodded vainly smothering giggles.  

"Oh…that's not…not at all," Slipper's protested, but her new champion quickly interrupted her.

"No need to thank me, anything for the lovely centauress."  He gave an odd little bow.  Slipper's blushed.  Apart from his nasty B.O., he was rather hot.  Saddlebum blushed.  Apart from her unremarkability she was rather lovely.  It was love at first sight.  

As it happens, Saddlebum was one of the few male centaurs that didn't mind mating another centaur.  The other young stallions were more into the slaves (less excitable I think).  All the centaur ladies were after him.  They figured after a while you wouldn't even notice the unique aroma he carried.  They were very envious of Slipper's.  And so the decided to call her Founder's Floppers.  Why?  I've got no idea.  Stupidity?  Delirium?   Too much alfalfa?  Your guess is as good as mine.  

So Slippers decided that since everyone liked that name, why not keep it?  So she did.  And after that the stupid women centaurs gave up.  Good thing for them too, because by and by, Floppers (a.k.a Slippers) picked up Saddlebum's stench.  At least she no longer noticed him smelling like rotten food.

Unfortunately he noticed.  Now, you can say whatever you want about Saddlebum, but I tell you, he never noticed that he himself stunk.  NEVER.  So you can hardly blame him for being disgusted when his true love reeked of…him?  

At any rate, it was out the door for Floppers.  And as she left, tears dripping from her eyes, he called,

"And don't you ever come back, Flounder's Floppers!"  This made Flopper cry awfully for many nights and as many days.  It struck her as odd that her own true love didn't know her name.  It would strike her as odder when many years later she met him again and he didn't know who she was.  But as I said, she was entirely unremarkable.  So, we can't blame him for forgetting her.

But that hasn't happened yet; many years haven't passed.  Once she finally stops crying she trots off to the palace.  After all, why live in Tortall if you never see the sights?  

~Course, I lived in New Jersey 5 years ago and never went to the beach and I go to NYC every weekend but haven't been to the Statue Of Liberty since I was 3~

Now, she'd never found out if she had magic.  Obviously all centaurs have magic, but the rare few have the Gift.  Well, Floppers (Only now she goes by Flounder) had Wild Magic.  Only she doesn't know.  And NO it hasn't ever gotten out of control, because she only just became a semi-interesting person.  Before that she never even lost her temper, so her magic didn't have a chance.  Right…

After a lot of traveling she entered Corus, the capital of Tortall.  The people gave her suspicious looks.  Centaurs were in a shaky alliance with Tortallans.  There was no telling when it might fall apart.  Unfortunately, Flounder was from a Hillbilly-type herd.  She didn't know about the treaty.  So she felt that the people of the city were extremely rude.  And perhaps she was right.  They really could have restrained themselves from throwing salt at her.  After all, centaurs like sugar, NOT salt.  

She got angry.

Angry centaurs are always dangerous.  It gets worse when the angry centaur can control "slaves" (that would be horses).  She did so.  

It doesn't take much, she thought scornfully, to frighten these worthless two-leggers.  She watched with some amusement as her slaves gnawed on the pedestrians and stampeded the street rats.  

But all good things come to an end.  Sooner or later 

~Some say it was later because the Kings Own was a bit busy cackling with laughter.  Admit it, you'd love to see a bunch of ponies biting the butts of people you don't like very much, yeah?~

Sadly the Own did show up.  They beat Flounder up pretty bad.  At any rate, that was when she found out she had wild magic.  Regrettably this discovery cost her an extremely swollen face and a broken leg.  Everyone knows that centaurs need their legs, and well, Flounder gave herself up for dead.  But the King Jonathan was in a good mood from watching his people get beaten up, so he felt generous.  Healers came and treated Flounder, but her jaw was still pretty beaten up, so when they asked her name, she could only answer—

"Flounder Flope," before she passed out in pain.  So they shrugged.  After all, centaurs always have odd names.  This was the strangest they'd heard, but they were just stupid Tortallans, right?

And of course, being stupid and slightly racist towards centaurs, the decided to call her Floundering Flope.  And, well, Floppers decided Flope was a better name.  

For those slower than most, that would mean her new name is Flope.  Yep, she's wacked…

This part of her life is boring.  She goes to balls and such after she heals completely.  Of course, all the young nobles are smitten with her and chase her around.  One day she loses it again, and calls in a horse to attack a particularly annoying you man.  

Coincidently, the horse was named Peachblossom.  The boy was called Neal.  Peachblossom happily bit Neal's arm and dragged him around the palace.  But, like I said, all good things end.  And eventually a girl named Kel showed up.  

"What the…?" She frowned in puzzlement.  Despite what others might say, the fantastically hot Joren only called her the lump because of BAB POSTURE!  He wasn't being rude; it was constructive criticism.  Not his fault she took it the wrong way!  

~Joking, I love Neal and Joren, and all the other guys, except Jonathan and Roger (cause Roger's such a cocky freak)~ 

Flope was one of those people who hated slouching, absolutely hated it.  She told Peachblossom to let go of Neal, which the horse reluctantly agreed too.  But her balked when she ordered it too bite Kel.  

"I can't do that," he told her.

"And why not exactly?"

"She's…she's nice."

"Does she let you bite people?"

"Not usually."

"Than consider it punishment.  Besides, she doesn't ride very well at all if she walks around half bent like that."

Peachblossom horse-grinned and trotted up to Kel who put her hand out.  An open invitation to bite, really.  So he did.  Kel screeched, an awful high-pitched sound.  

"That hurt you, you stupid horse!  I'll tell Stefan!  Of worse, I'll chop you up and feed you to jump!"  After saying this, the squire turned into a wicked witch and tried to kill the gelding.  

But that's the most interesting thing that happened while she was at the palace, not really worth mentioning.  

Anyway, so she left after a while because Neal still hadn't figured out that she hated poetry.  As she left, Neal (this time the guy's in tears) yelled after her, 

"You're just a damn pony!  You're the Floundering Foal!"  

She forgave him because he was heartbroken after all.  She'd be surprised when she next met him because then he'll be chasing after some ugly Yamani girl.  But that hasn't happened yet. 

Our story is now almost at an end.  Floundering Flope loved this new name, because finally it truly fit her.  So she became Floundering Foal, or just Foal.  She bumped into Saddlebum one day much later.  

"Saddlebum!" she'd shouted happily.

"Who are you?" he asked, terribly shocked that someone knew him.

"Oh…I'm…I'm Floundering Foal."  She blinked the tears out of her eyes.  She couldn't believe he didn't recognize her.  

"I…knew someone like that once."  He blinked.  She blushed.  He was still very good looking.  He blushed.  She was pretty good looking, too.  

It was true love at second sight.  And, best of all, Saddlebum had learned that baths were a great excuse to sit around and do nothing!  So he no longer smelled!  And they lived happily ever after…

Hope you liked it, hope it isn't too odd.  Hope you'll read the next one.  Also hope you'll review this, even if you hated it.  Feel free to flame, I need a good laugh. 


	4. Another Note, very sorry

Sorry I haven't updated, my brother deleted the document (damn him).  Expect a new one by next week…

~Kat~


	5. Dupdeedub, You changed your name!

**This is disturbing, you know that?  This fic isn't that old, and it already has way more reviews than my other one.  So, if you don't mind, could someone run off to Traitors, Trickery, And Truth?  Cause the lack of reviews is depressing and I write very slowly when I'm miserable.  ~Giggles~ I don't care what you say, go ahead and flame it.  I just want to know if anyone's reading it.  Actually, flaming is good, cause it's the only way I can get my friends to read my fics.   They're all crazy and enjoy reading stuff about what an awful writer I am.  ~Rolls eyes~ **

**Hmm…and you could also visit my new fic.  It's a Harry Potter magazine.  It's cynical and slashy.  It only has 4 reviews, it's depressing.  *cries***

**Neways, after the unfortunate incident with my brother deleting my hard work, I've been working between HW assignments.  This isn't nearly as nice as the first copy.  I'm really sorry.  There's got to be about a hundred typos.  Blame "the boy".  Damn him, damn them all!  (All refers to 16-year-old ass-wholes)**

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I'm restarting finally!   Btw, this one may be slightly different.  I tend to switch styles pretty often.  This one isn't fairy tale style.  But you did ask to make sure this one was original too, correct?  I certainly made it different.  Some things are the same obviously.  The humor's all mine…  

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**Diclaimer (I keep on forgetting to put this at the top): I don't own the stuff you recognize.  Only…you might not recognize some people…they act a little different in this chapter…oh well.  **

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**Note to PurpleEyes1:  I changed some things about your character.  Your magic isn't new; instead it's a myth.  Some other stuff is a little off; forgive this humble servant who thinks themselves worthy of mutilating your fantastic ideas! ~Snort~ j/k**

**The Thief's Gift**

A tribute to Purple Eyes1 

"Ah, yes, the Thief's Gift.  A strange and miraculous thing it is."  The old man nodded sagely.  

"What is it, grandfather?"  The girl sat at her grandfather's feet, her green eyes round.  He smiled at her gravely.  

"Merely a fairy story."  He shook his head sadly.  "A gift, they told me, from the Crooked God.  Magic that aides thieves, more so than the Sight even."  He sighed, his voice full of longing.

"You have the sight, don't you?"  

"Yes," he agreed.  "But the thief's gift is so much more.  It makes you swifter and quieter, the ones who have it are the best.  And they can sometimes see who to steal from, and who not to.  They know who will catch them."  The girl nodded.  

"Doesn't seem so great.  Anyone with a strong enough gift would know you were there anyway," she said indifferently.  Her grandfather snorted.

"Go ahead and think that, my dear.  But you'd do well to remember, in the stories it was your great, great, great grandfather who had this gift."    

****************************10 Years Later****************************

 "Where's my magic!  I can't find it!"  The girl collapsed in tears, forgetting momentarily that she was in someone else's home, taking something that didn't belong to her, and hoping not to get caught.  

She gasped when she heard a creak on the stair, and half stood quickly and silently.  Or it would have been silent if she hadn't banged her head on a shelf.  

"Damn it all," she cursed, loudly this time.  There seemed no point in whispering since she'd already been caught.  (Hehe, I love the word damn…)

"Scuse me?  Um…oh dear, who are you?"  The voice came from the stairs, more precisely from a young lady of around her own age.  The young thief knew her by name only, Lady Iblis of something.  Iblis had warm brown eyes and blonde hair and a complexion to envy the Queen's.  And a fine voice to go with.  From what the thief had heard she was also a sugar coated bitch, but then what could you expect from a noble?  

"No one," Jamie answered bitterly.  "Absolutely no one."

"Oh.  Well, you have an ugly dress, and an ugly face," Iblis said superciliously.  

"Well, dear, you have an ugly name, but I wasn't going to comment."  Jamie smiled sympathetically.  Iblis's eyes flashed angrily.

"Excuse me, but,"

"You're excused," the thief interrupted.

"You are incessantly rude!"  

"Bad me, bad.  I'm just dying of guilt!"  Jamie sniggered, feeling quite pleased with herself. 

"You should be," Iblis cried.  "Coming into my house just to insult me!"

"I don't believe that was the only reason," the thief murmured. 

"Then why are you here?"

"I'm selling cookies, want any?"

"I know what you are!"  Jamie grinned as comprehension dawned on the young noble's face.

"You're a Girl Scout!"

"Huh?"  _Well, I was expecting thief, burglar, pickpocket, or something,_ she thought.  

"Yeah.  You know, those girls who run around helping people.  Totally beneath a lady of my standing of course."  Jamie stared at her, awed by her stupidity.

"Right.  That's me," she said impishly.  It wasn't like some noble brat could hurt her.  Even without her magic, she could still use her knives.  And she was carrying hundreds of them given as she was sooooo gifted.  _(yeah, I've never understood that in people's fics.  How many freaking knives can you fit on your body?  20 at the most, and you'd have to put the knives in some very uncomfortable places…)_  

"So, what were you saying about magic?"  The noble took a step closer.  It seemed that now she thought Jamie was a model citizen, despite her unsightly clothing.  

"Oh.  You heard that?"  The noble nodded.

"How ever did you manage to lose your magic?"  

"Well…it, uh, happens a lot."  

"Could I help look for it?"

"Well, you cant's see it.  It's invisible."  Iblis blinked.

"That's awfully silly.  How can you use it?"

"Sometimes I can find it," Jamie said in defense of her magic.

"And it makes me the best…Girl Scout…around."

"Oh.  Well, I know how you can find it."  Jamie blinked.

"How?"  How could some noble brat figure something out that Jamie didn't know?

"Go ask one of the mages up at the castle.  They are the friendliest people_."  It figures_, Jamie thought, biting back laughter.  "Come on, I'll help you."  The noble grabbed Jamie's hand and led her to a door at the end of the room.

"It's locked, I tried."

"Why were you trying to open it?" Iblis asked, suddenly suspicious.  

"Um.  I was looking for people to help," Jamie lied.  

"Oh.  All right then."  She shrugged.  "I can open this door, no problem."  She leaned up against the door and whispered, "King Jonathan is a woman."

The door creaked open, and a bright light shone through it.  As the light faded, Jamie caught a glimpse of a long road made of a long strip of stone, with noisy little boxes whirring up and down.  Different shaped boxes, and different colors.  She peered in to see closer, blinking at the bright yellow and red lights.  She slipped, and fell forward through the air and towards the road.  Terror surged through her, and she gasped in hope as she jerked to a stop.

"That was idiotic," Iblis's voice squeaked above her.  Jamie could have hugged the girl, noble or not, who'd caught her just in time.  Only, how was she going to pull her up?

But for now she was mostly safe, so she studied the road below her.  On either side giant buildings had been constructed of stone.  One was shiny, like metal, only who would be stupid enough to make a building that could rust?  Another of the constructions had a giant, yellow M on top.  How odd.  She sighed.  

"Can you pull me up?"

"I can barely hold you, you fat ass!" Iblis screamed politely.  

"You're going to wake someone up," Jamie warned.

"Great idea," Iblis said, she of course was unaware that Jamie was really a thief.  

"NO!  Don't, I can get up."  Jamie bit her lip uncertainly.  "I can get up," she assured herself.  "I can't get up…"  

"Yes you can," Iblis urged her.  "Just grab onto that flying thingy."

"What?"  She looked around.  Sure enough, a flying…thing…was coming towards her.  It was noisy, and wind slashed into her face.  4 sticks whirred around and around at the top of the flying thingy, and a ladder dangled below it.  "Oh.  Well, all right."  

(Btw, shrewd people know that this is a helicopter by now.  And shrewd people ((though actually you don't have to be shrewd to know this)) know that helicopters make a lot of noise.  I dunno why Jamie didn't hear the helicopter until Iblis mentioned it.  Give me a break, I'm not creative or anything.)

So, Iblis swung her back and forth (surprisingly strong for a noble), and Jamie (suddenly with all the skills of a trapeze artist person) flew at the ladder and caught hold up the lowest rung.  _And that sounded really gross.  This chapter sounds really perverted.  I'm sorry!  _

"Ok, you're going to be all right, just hold on!" a deep voice shouted from inside the flying thing.  

Jamie gasped in surprise and nearly let go.  What was…that voice?  And where was it coming from? Iblis motioned to her from the doorway, which Jamie now saw was hanging in midair.  

"Come on," she hissed.  Jamie nodded and swung herself on the ladder, again like a trapezist, and flung herself into the doorway.  The girls toppled over, and behind them they heard the loud voice going,

"Damn it!  She dropped!  I don't see her!"  

And the next morning in that world, Headlines read:

**Girl Falls to her Death!****  Witnesses say a girl in an ugly dress with too many freckles (the girl not the dress) was seen suspended in the sky.  A nearby Helicopter rushed to the rescue, but was to late.  The girl's body has yet to be found.**        

But there's still a lot left to say about Jamie, and this chapter is already way to long.  No time to tell you all the trouble she caused in that world.  

I hate long chappies…

Anyways, so Iblis slammed the door closed.

"I guess that was the wrong one," she said, shamefacedly.  

"No, ya think?"  Jamie rolled her eyes.  "How did this happen?  I'm a good girl scout!"

"Do you have many badges?"

"Huh?  Um…yeah."  Jamie nodded.  

"I think it's this one," Iblis said hopefully, pointing towards a smaller door that Jamie hadn't even noticed.  It had been made to look like the wall, and there was no doorknob, or even any hinge, Jamie noted.   

"How do you open it?"

"The same way I opened that last one."  Iblis stared at her.  "Duh."  

"Whatever."   

"King Jonathan masturbates."  The door swung forward.  Through it, Jamie could glimpse horses, and something shiny…"Aren't you going?"  Iblis sighed.  "Commoners are just sooooo stupid."  She shoved Jamie, and miraculously, the thief fit through the minute door.  She fell, and cursed the noble silently.  And to think, she'd almost started to like the brat (who did saved her life after all).  

She landed in hay, prickly hay, which scratched into her arms and legs.  That was why she stood up so quickly, though she knew that lofts weren't that tall.  And she slammed her head into a low rafter.  She fell again, dizzily, and toppled off the ledge and into an empty stall…

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Was saying the word masturbation ok?  It is rated G, maybe I should move it up?  But, it's not my fault if little kids know what masturbation is; it's their parents/friends/siblings faults.  

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Some Hours Later 

"Who's that?"

"What?"

"There's someone in my stall!"

"Hey, that reminds me of a story!  You know?"

"Yeah, me to!"  

"What story?"

"It goes like this!  Once upon a time, there were three bears.  The went out to get high while they waited for their porridge to cool.  A weird little girl came into their house.  She tried one bowl of porridge, but it was too hot.  Another one was too cold.  The last one was just right."  The boys sniggered. 

"It was just right, huh?"

"Well, that's the story." 

"I'm not done yet!  Anyway, so she went and sat down in one chair.  But it was too hard."  The boys laughed again.  "The next was too soft.  But that last one was just right."  

"Goldilocks is a picky little wench."  

"How'd you know her name?"

"You said it."

"Did not."

"Oh well, whatever.  So, she decided to go to sleep…"

"Um, you guys?  SOMEONE INSIDE MY STALL!"

"Oh, right."

"Sorry, forgot about that."

Yeah, that's not good."

"Is it a stable hand?"

"Nah, I know all the stable hands."  

"Only cause you've bedded them," a drawling voice drawled.  Laughter followed, and a few shouts, but no one thought to see if the person in the stall was all right until minutes later.  

"That's not the point, Neal," the first voice said sullenly.  "And it's none of your business how I know all the girls who work in the palace."

"No, what we should be doing is finding out why some girl is in your stall," Neal agreed.  

Jamie cracked open her eyes and gritted her teeth as her head spun.

"Would you mind shutting up?  Your voices, they could drive someone near deaf!" she said loudly, sitting up.  A blonde, girlish boy stood in front of her, glaring.  Another, older looking, boy stood to her left, laughing silently about something.  

"Your face could drive someone near blind," the blonde said snidely. 

"Is that your best?  You just repeated me, with one thing changed."  Jamie rolled her eyes.  "Nobles, I thought they were supposed to have a better vocabulary then commoners."  

"We do, Joren just isn't really a noble," the tall boy, probably Neal, said.  "He's a cross breed of a donkey and a pig."  Jamie smiled at him, and stood.  She ignored that fact that Neal's insult had been worse then Joren's.

Joren studied the girl in disgust.  She was freckly, with brown and gold hair.  It might have been pretty even, if she wasn't a commoner.  A rude commoner.  

Neal also looked at her, but less obviously.  She had green eyes that matched his own.  He liked freckles.  She was pretty.  He began composing a love poem.  But he needed to know her name to write a good poem.  

"I'm Neal of Queenscove," he said.  

"I'm Jamie."  He nodded.  Stuff rhymed with Jamie.  Me, we, see, tree…When I see you Jamie, I see a tree?  No…that was weird.  She lifted an eyebrow appraisingly.  

He was cute enough as nobles went.  But obviously insane.  

Fee, tea, gee, knee…

He shook his head.  

Samie, Famie, Lamie, Gamie, Damie…

"That's nice," Joren said abruptly.  "Really, I cared what your stupid name was."

"I wasn't introducing myself to you," Jamie said in surprise.  She had forgotten the blondie was there.  

"Well, I'm Joren," he said with a smirk.  

"That's nice," she said dismissively.  "Why don't you run off and rape someone?"

"How did…but how did you know?"

"Oh…um, no one found out about that yet, huh?"  Joren nodded.  "Sorry then.  You just look like that type of guy, you know?"  

"Um…right," Neal said awkwardly as Joren left.  "Should I just forget that?"  Jamie nodded.  "Ok then."

"Good boy."

******************************************************

Neal proceeded to give Jamie a tour of the palace, and they laughed and joked.  Jamie had forgotten why she'd come to the palace at all, if not to be with Neal.  In case you've also forgotten, she's trying to get someone to help her find her magic.  

When dinner came around, Neal brought her to the dining hall.  He introduced her to his friends.  Kel, Owen, Cleon, and Prince Roald.  Jamie tried to show disdain towards then (hey, they are nobles), but she couldn't help laughing at the outrageous nicknames Cleon had for Kel.  Jamie found herself disliking Kel; she seemed so…boring.  Not boring exactly.  She seemed very simple minded.  In fact, when Joren showed up to insult the girl page, she found herself agreeing with him silently.  She did look like a lump.  A big ,ugly girl.  I hope Neal doesn't like her as more than just a friend, Jamie thought suspiciously.  Kel raised an eyebrow at the older girl.  

"You're staring," she muttered.

"Sorry," Jamie apologized sarcastically but quietly.  She didn't want Neal to notice that she didn't like Kel.  Not that there was any chance of that.  Neal and the others were arguing over the color of their tunics ("Red!"  "No, they're pink!"  "They're sort of a jolly color."  "It's crimson you idiots."  "Shut-up Joren.")  

"You don't like me," Kel said calmly.  (Warning: This is NOT slash ((that comes later)).  Kel isn't being gay; she's just being obtuse).

"No, really?"

"Why not?"

"Does it hurt your feelings?" Jamie crooned (also not slash, just weird).  "Poor lady page."  Kel nodded.  "If you insist.  I don't like you because I like Neal, and it is sooooo obvious that you like him too."

"You just met him!" Kel said angrily.

"At least I'm attractive!" Jamie hissed. Kel giggled.

"Forget it, will you?  Neal's nice, but I don't like him as more than a friend.  Besides, he's still pining over that centaur who just left."

"A centaur?" Jamie asked, scandalized.      

"Yep.  Floundering something or another.  At least," Kel said mischievously, "he was pining after her yesterday."  She nodded in the boy's direction.  Neal was gazing at Jamie and her jerked away when she glanced over her shoulder at him.  Both girl's collapsed into giggles.  And they were friends, after that.  People are weird that way, especially in fictional stories.    

**********************************************************

I'm NOT done yet.  This story will be continued, along with the next person's, in the next chapter.  I just want to get this posted finally.  I hope you like it.  Really, I do.  Sorry if it seems to nasty for you, or too rushed.  I did this in about 1 hour (over several days).  

**Purple Eyes: I hope you like it, if not feel free to flame me!  Or (since I like flames), you can me nauseatingly friendly, but then I'll never manage to post another fic in my life.  I get traumatized if people act too nice.  **

**Other people: I'm going to keep going with this, so please don't stop reviewing.  Sorry for that wait.  **

I LOVE FLAMERS!  XOXO to anyone nice enough to flame me.  That's COHERENT flames by the way.  That means no "Your fic is bad".  That's not a flame, sweetie.  That's stupidity.  That's like trying to show off how stupid you are.  Don't do it.  Please.  I'm might take drastic action.  

**~Kat~**

**p.s. "Good Flames" don't have to have an actual thing that they complain about.  Choose anything!  Insult my stupid last name!  Tell me "damn" is a stupid word.  Even falme me saying that coke is bad.  **

**Actually, don't.  If you tell me coke is bad, I'll track you down and kill you.  **

**I like coke…**

**But anything else is ok.  **

**Really. **

**Rubric for a good flame: Is readable and comprehensible.  Insults are insulting.  Doesn't repeat what other flamers have said.  Doesn't compliment and flame at the same time.  And (most importantly) does not cause Kat to sigh and wonder what the fuck is wrong with these people…   **


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